"A twisted, twacked delight."

– Willam

"Exudes a genuine affection for musical theatre."

– Michael Dale (Talkin’ Broadway)

"Yes, it really is that good."

– Ben Brantley (on “Hamilton”)

"Theater is revived. Everyone say 'Thank you, Golem'"

– Harley Seger

"I would give my left nut to see Golem Owned a Tropical Smoothie."

– Kyle Acheson (Soldier #2 in “Sprout”, 2012)

"Original... crazy fun... smart writing and catchy music...It was nothing other than exactly what it set out to be; it was fun, it was bright, it was a blast."

– Audience comments from Sound Bites 6.0

"If you pronounce theater like Peter, you'd love this show. If you pronounce theater like pieta, you'll have a life changing experience."

– Big J

"...the most absurd thing I've ever heard. It shouldn't work, but it just DOES!"

– Bry Walton

"Not entirely sure what I just experienced but I am profoundly and irrevocably changed."

 

– Kate Bullock

"F___ing insane and I loved every minute of it."

– Nick James Browne

"I am actively considering the right nut as well."

– Kyle Acheson, title role in “Waterman”

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Our Story:

(How it all began)

Golem Owned A Tropical Smoothie is a musical about Golem, who owned a Tropical Smoothie. It started on a cruise ship, when Garrett Poladian (cowriter) told Ethan Crystal (cowriter) a story about when he worked at a Tropical Smoothie, and imagined that Golem was the owner.

  • Winner of Best Musical, Best Direction, Best Lyrics, SOUNDBITES 6.0 (2019)
  • Recipient of NAMT Frank Young Fund Grant (2020)
  • Semifinalist of the Eugene O’Neill National Musical Theatre Conference (2021)
  • Recipient of the NYFA City Artist Corps Grant (2021)

What the f**k is this?

(Click names for character breakdowns)

Golem Owned A Tropical Smoothie tells the story of  Golem , a non-copyright infringing creature who owns a non-copyright infringing smoothie shop called Tropical Smoothie in Panama City Beach, Florida. All is going well – until Smeegle , the notorious CEO of the mega-corporate Smoothie Kingdom, threatens to drive him out of business with tax loophole trickery. To save the shop, Golem and his loyal employees ( Ian , a high school kid, Gabby , his overachieving older sister, and Kyle , a stoner college dropout) must come up with a plan to raise $60,000 in one week – or maybe 5 days? It doesn’t really matter. The point is, Golem owned a Tropical Smoothie.

Golem Owned A Tropical Smoothie: A Tank Core Production (2024)

cast & crew | production stills by Marc Franklin

REVIEWS:

Talkin’ Broadway | Says Me, Says Mom | Kate Reinking @theatreislife | Liz @thatbroadwaybaker

Golem Owned A Tropical Smoothie: Live in Concert at 54 Below (2023)

cast & crew | photos by Marc Franklin

REVIEW:

BroadwayWorld

Tropical Smoothie (Ian’s Song)

Tonight (Kyle’s Song)

A Thing Named Golem (Gabby’s Song)

Who the hell are we?

(The Creative Team)

Garrett Poladian
Garrett Poladian

Book, Music, & Lyrics

GARRETT POLADIAN is a New York City-based actor, writer, designer, and self-proclaimed creative “idiot slut.” Originally from Panama City Beach, Florida, he’s appeared in a range of film and theater projects—okay, more like a few musical comedies and one indie horror flick. Here’s the list: #Love95Times (The Farm Theatre), For The Record: The Brat Pack (Norwegian Cruise Line), Stranger Sings! The Parody Musical (Off-Broadway), and Titanique (Off-Broadway). Film credits include Student i (dir. Laura Lau) and The Goatman (the indie horror flick). From 2014 to 2016, Garrett was a full-time company dancer with Ballet Pensacola, which—honestly—was pretty rough. He made like $400 a month before taxes, and the Artistic Director turned out to be a meth head, but it was a entertaining wild ride that could make for a great TV pilot someday. Worth it? Sure. He also co-wrote a YouTube web series called Booked and Blessed—check that shit out. Garrett’s mission as an artist is to connect and unite people through his work while making a fuck ton of money doing it. “What, like it’s hard?” – Reese’s Pieces Witherspoon
garrettpoladian.com

Ethan Crystal
Ethan Crystal

Book, Music, & Lyrics

ETHAN CRYSTAL is an actor, writer, musician, and comedian from Wilsonville, Oregon. Though he has never made a puppet (Garrett makes the puppets), he has written several puppet songs and sung them with several puppet voices. Ethan has appeared on TV, off-Broadway, and online in various shapes and forms; credits include Fox’s Don’t Forget The Lyrics, HBO’s I Know This Much Is True, Nickelodeon’s SpongeBob social media page, For The Record: The Brat Pack (the cruise ship show where he & g met), the Bermuda Royal Gazette, and NBC’s The Sing-Off. Ethan is an award-winning vocal arranger, comedy writer, and composer; his pilot “1. backpack” won Best Comedy Screenplay in the Oregon Short Film Festival, and his arrangements for collegiate & high school acappella have accrued several awards over the years. He’s contributed as a vocalist, writer, and arranger to Brooklyn-based music collective Apartment Sessions and Scranton-based pop-rock band Modern Ties. Ethan is a believer in people, the absurd, and the value of great effort put into lighthearted pursuit. Influences include Norm MacDonald, Nathan Fielder, Gilbert & Sullivan’s Pirates of Penzance, SpongeBob seasons 1-3, and Casey Frey. He works freelance as a wedding singer, and to his knowledge, he is still allowed in Bermuda. ethancrystal.com

Show History

April 21, 2018:

The opening number was staged and premiered in the crew bar of the Norwegian Escape.

 

June 9, 2018:

A second staged reading, featuring a revised opening number and a new song, took place (still in the crew bar). This reading was attended by producers from For the Record: Live, as well as members of the entertainment staff on the ship.

 

November 11, 2018:

An hour-long presentation of songs & scenes from GOATS was staged in NYC at the Kraine Theatre on E 4th st.

 

February 27, 2019:

The first workshop reading of the full length show was presented at Ripley-Grier Studios.

 

April 2, 2019:

GOATS competed in TheatreNowNY’s SOUND BITES 6.0, winning Best Musical, Best Direction, and Best Lyrics. The judging panel included casting director Alison Franck and composer Barbara Anselmi.

 

April 2, 2020:

GOATS was awarded a $3000 project development grant from the NAMT Frank Young Fund.

 

December 31, 2020:

GOATS was selected as a semifinalist for the 2021 Eugene O’Neill National Music Theater Conference.

 

August 2, 2021:

GOATS was awarded $10,000 from the NYFA City Artist Corps Grant.

 

November 2, 2022:

The second workshop reading of the full length show was presented at Ripley-Grier Studios.

April 30, 2023:

A 75-minute concert version of GOATS appeared at 54 Below to a sold out house, featuring a 5-piece band and original orchestrations by music director Stephen Murphy.

AUgust 23, 2023:

The third workshop reading of the full length show was presented at The Tank’s 98 seat theater.

October 17 – November 10, 2024:

The first ever workshop production of GOATS was presented at The Tank NYC, running for four weeks as part of their Core Production series – to rave reviews and a sold out closing weekend.  Directed by Patrick Swailes Caldwell, choreographed by Ian Coulter-Buford, and music directed by Stephen Murphy.

Production Team

(it’s just Jonathan)

Jonathan Hogue
Jonathan Hogue

Producer

JONATHAN HOGUE is a Tony Award-nominated Broadway producer and two-time Drama Desk-nominated writer, with speciality in new work development and creative branding from many years of experience in Executive, Administrative, and Marketing positions for Broadway & regional theatre, advertising, and NYC live events. He holds a MFA in Theatre Management & Producing from Columbia University, and is a proud member of the Broadway League. His productions reflect an interest in stories that challenge, surprise, and invigorate. He is excited by new and underrepresented voices, and is passionate about presenting stories that subvert cultural ideas. While his works vary in tone and scope (from broad satire to naturalistic drama), all of his productions demonstrate an interest in wrestling with complex topics in dynamic and unexpected ways. His comedic works are greatly inspired by the satirical stylings of Saturday Night Live, Monty Python, The Simpsons, and Starkid, and his dramatic works pair quiet humanity with a surreal playfulness akin to the works of Lucas Hnath, Annie Baker, and Branden Jacobs-Jenkins.  He has been featured in the New York Times, Forbes, The New Yorker, The Huffington Post, and Time Out New York (among others), and has received numerous rave reviews and awards for his various productions in NYC and around the world. Jonathanhogue.com

Contributors

Brierpatch Productions, Lennie & Jimmy Diaz-Granados, Charles Shreve, James & Emma Romey, Ruben Diaz, Luke Hoback, Suzanne Cleland, Jay & Diane Crystal, George Bochetti, Teresia O’Halia, Eleanor Lewis, Nick Inouye, Mike Kolsut, Levi Butner, Jim & Sylvia Murphy, Nicholas Ruhrkraut, Liam Boatner, Hill Paschal, Johnathan Hogue, Laura Frenzer, Jill Lord, Kyle Torrence, William Weiner, Kate Bullock, Tyler Collingbourne, Amber Hoffmeister, Christopher S. Brown, Nick Poladian, Bradley Poladian, Morgan Hammel, Kaylee Barrett, Tony McKay, George Pachucy, Jim Storch, Joel Goodloe, Nick Stephens, Luke Williams, Justin Porter, Ambar Saldaña, Brian Silver, Marissa Petullo

Special Thanks to Siobhan O’Neill and Lea Nardi

Why Join Us?

 

THE WORLD NEEDS TO LAUGH MORE THEN EVER RIGHT NOW! GOATS will help audiences forget about their real world problems for a couple hours. It invites them to sit back, relax, and not ask too many questions. “Don’t think too hard.” The only thing it asks for is a good fuckin’ time… and the price of a NYC theatre ticket. We don’t need another movie musical or another emotional drama that requires audiences to feel drained after the curtain falls. Thank God for those shows, but do we really need another one right now? The world sucks and you’ve already seen that movie five times.

 

Let’s put something original back on the stage.

FAQs

“Is this “Gollum” from Lord of the Rings? Is “Smeegle” supposed to be Smeagol?”

No! “Golem” is derived from Jewish Folklore, and “Smeegle” is our own invention. Any similarity to any preexisting character from a copyright-protected franchise is a coincidence! We do not meddle in the affairs of large entertainment entities, for they are subtle and quick to anger. 

Why does Golem own a tropical smoothie?

For many Americans, small businesses are central to the beauty of this nation; a way to take something you have passion for, and through dedication and hard work, turn it into a labor of love that betters yourself and your community. Where else could a funny lookin’ little fella with a questionable past move in from out of town & start a new life? It’s inspiring. Like two guys trying to answer tough questions to get money for their puppet musical.

Why is this story being told?

Because it made us laugh. At the beginning of our writing process together, we set out to create something that made our friends and us laugh. Then it made an audience laugh. Then the absurdity of the show, the title, the fact that it was even being written, became the point. And the bigger it got, the funnier it was that it had gotten that far.

All stories are about a search for some truth; Ian, Kyle, and Gabby are all searching for meaning in their lives, just like the audience is searching for the meaning of this show. And what they all discover, is that it’s up to you to determine what it means to you.

What do we learn from this show?

That there are some questions in life that don’t have simple answers, and that’s ok. And it’s okay to take a break from answering those questions to have a little bit of fun, or to relax, or to do something nice for somebody else. We’re only on this planet for a short time, and the most important thing to do is love each other. What was the question again?

Where the f**k are we going?

(show expansion)

GOATS is a wacky, absurdist, metamodern show that sits in a genre of its own between parody and original – and the further it gets, the larger the stage, the more epic the production, the more people can’t believe they’re watching “Golem Owned A Tropical Smoothie”, a musical starring a legally questionable puppet made from cotton balls and pantyhose from Target, across the street from Glenda Jackson’s King Lear.

 

Where the f**k are we going?

(show expansion)

GOATS is a wacky, absurdist, metamodern show that sits in a genre of its own between parody and original – and the further it gets, the larger the stage, the more epic the production, the more people can’t believe they’re watching “Golem Owned A Tropical Smoothie”, a musical starring a legally questionable puppet made from cotton balls and pantyhose from Target, across the street from Glenda Jackson’s King Lear.

Get in Touch

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